Should I Set Myself Aside and Compromise to Avoid Losing You?

How far can you go in denying your values to maintain a relationship?

How much can you give up of yourself to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you sacrifice to keep someone you love? How do we find the balance between preserving our integrity and “bending” our internal rules and values?

Most relationships require us to make certain compromises, but to what extent can we do so without starting to lose ourselves and feel tormented? There is an inherent contradiction in these questions: A true loving relationship is one where each partner accepts and values their differences. If you have to bend your values excessively to maintain the relationship, what are you really preserving? It’s not a relationship of love, as love does not demand the excessive sacrifice of your values. Rather than viewing relationships as a need to compromise values to “fit” the other person into your life, it’s essential to see them as opportunities for each individual in the relationship to learn and grow through their differences. For example, Maria is very responsible and has a strong work ethic, while Sotiris is more relaxed, creating an imbalance in the financial responsibilities of the relationship. Maria is dissatisfied with this. What should she do? Attack Sotiris, accusing him of irresponsibility, or simply accept these differences to maintain the relationship?

Neither of these! This is not the essence of a good relationship. A good relationship is based on each individual learning and growing from their differences rather than denying themselves. Maria and Sotiris need to open up to exploring their differences. Both have beliefs that can be examined and through this process, new insights emerge, leading to profound change rather than superficial compromise. The real problem arises when one or both partners are unwilling to explore, learn, and grow. If a partner says, “This is just how I am,” or withdraws when the other tries to discuss the situation, no learning can occur. The only remaining options are for the other to either adapt or leave, which is unhealthy.

Examples of common relationship dynamics include: George is extremely tidy, while Jenny struggles with organization. Anastasia is always on time, while Nikos is always late. Ismene is a spender, while Jacob is a saver. Stavros has a high sexual drive, while Vasso has a lower one. Angela is a strict mother, while Dimitris is a lenient parent. Christos is social, while Georgia is a homebody.

Depending on whether each person is open to learning, these differences can lead to:

a)Constant conflict

b)One partner giving up to avoid conflict

c)Both partners opening up to learn and grow as a result of their differences

The outcome of these conflicts depends entirely on intention. At any moment, there are only two possible intentions:

a)The intention to protect our inner wounds and avoid fear or pain.

b)The intention to learn and love more.

When one or both partners intend to preserve their vulnerable ego and protect themselves from pain, they will find many controlling ways to avoid exploring their differences creatively and lovingly.

They might argue, defend, withdraw, blame, give in, resist, or explain. Each person aims to impose their way, avoid being controlled, or escape the other’s rejection. This inevitably leads to emotional distance, a closed heart, and dissatisfaction in the relationship. The problem isn’t in the differences themselves but in the unwillingness to learn, grow, and perhaps even transform into a higher state of consciousness and a deeper understanding of oneself and the other.

When both partners are open to learning from their differences, these differences become fertile ground for the exciting journey of personal and spiritual growth and healing. However, you cannot force someone else to be open to learning and growing—you don’t have that control over others.

If you are in a relationship where your partner refuses to learn and grow from your differences, you must be honest with yourself about how much you can deny yourself while maintaining your sense of integrity. You cannot compromise your personal integrity. You can bend and adapt as long as you don’t feel like you’re losing yourself. When you start to feel that you are losing yourself to maintain the relationship, you will likely find yourself becoming so resentful of the other that the relationship will begin to collapse, as you are denying your very self. This kind of adaptation does not save the relationship—it destroys it while simultaneously breaking your spirit.

The key is to be willing to face conflict, rejection, and even the possibility of losing the other person rather than continuing to adapt in ways that compromise your personal integrity.

Remember: On a spiritual level, you can withstand losing your partner, but you cannot withstand losing yourself by betraying your spirit.