How to Set Boundaries

How to Set Boundaries

Let’s start with what isn't setting boundaries.

A boundary is not telling someone what they must do in respect of you, or what you want others to do, and how you want to be treated and regarded. It is about informing the other person, or others, about what you will do in response to their ongoing rude or unwanted behavior. Try to understand the difference.

Although it is difficult for most people to accept it, we cannot control the behavior of others or make them change. What we can control is our own response to their behavior. A boundary is about realizing and expressing your truth and taking action based on that.

For example:

"I am no longer willing to be with you in public when you demean me. I will leave and take a car or a taxi to return home." "I am no longer willing to be late to events I want to attend because you are late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you." "If you continue to be so late, I will plan to take separate cars." "Your constant criticism makes me feel bad. It has gone too far. From now on, when you become critical, I will tell you that it makes me feel bad and I will leave." Of course, you must then do what you have said you will do. If you don’t, then what you’ve said is simply a form of manipulation to try to force the other person to change and not your truth. A boundary means nothing until you are willing to take the action you’ve declared.

The essential part here is your deeper intention. If your intention is to control the other person instead of lovingly caring for yourself, then your statement and action are just a reaction to your own weakness in another form of control. If your desire is to take responsibility for yourself, then you will be conscious and the tone of your voice will be calm and neutral—you are simply informing the other person about what you will do or are already doing. If your desire is to control the other person, then you are in a state of unconscious reactivity, and usually, your tone of voice will be angry and accusatory, and your energy will be reactive and closed. We cannot hide our intention; it will always show through in our energy and tone of voice. No matter how much you try to disguise your intention to control, the other person will sense it and will likely react with their own controlling behavior. Instead of setting boundaries, a war begins.

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Move from your personal power and inner sense of freedom when the essence of your intention is love and care for yourself, rather than focusing on the other person’s behavior. Since you cannot ultimately control the other person, the attempt to do so will leave you feeling frustrated and powerless. The difference may be subtle, but it is very important.

The challenge here is to take action from love for yourself. In order to lovingly care for yourself, you must be willing to let go of the outcome in terms of how the other person will feel and behave. Do not focus on why the other person is the way they are or why they are treating you the way they are. If you focus on trying to control how the other person will feel or act in response to your actions, you will not be able to take loving action for yourself. If you focus on the other person, thinking "They will feel hurt and angry if I leave the party," or "They will be furious if I leave without them," or "They will feel rejected and tell me I am avoiding conflict if I leave the room when they are being critical," then you will not be able to take loving action because you are too focused on the other person.

Only when you have compassion for yourself you will be able to act in your own favor. Self-compassion means you are 100% willing to take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than trying to get someone else to do it for you or trying to control the feelings of the other person. It means you are willing for the other person to be upset with you rather than continuing to be mistreated.

People tend to mirror how we treat ourselves. If you tolerate mistreatment and allow others to treat you poorly, it means you do not value yourself, and life (which is conscious) wants you to see this clearly and “heal” it. By lovingly caring for yourself in the face of others’ rude behavior, you will find that, generally, others will respect you and treat you well.

Northern Deer Alexander

Northern Deer Alexander is the founder of The WOW Academy. When he is not working with his students, he enjoys leading shamanic journeys and meditation sessions, going for walks, traveling and meeting new people, engaging in energetic and physical training, reading books, and creating online courses on spirituality and personal development.